That time Disney almost killed me.....

So we started planning a vacation to Disney World about a year or two ago with family. Everyone was soooo excited and then there was me. I couldn't get out of this one my kids had never been, my husband has been several times and loved it, and honestly there weren't any good excuses that I could come up with. I also do not like to feel left out so I sucked it up smiled and said yay we're going to Disney. Inside I was a mess all I could think about is how many freaking people there are at Disney World, how hot it would be, how I had a baby, a toddler, and two preteens. The age gap with the kids wasn't that big of a deal because usually, I send the older kids with their teenage cousins and an Aunt or Uncle. The problem is how would I manage a baby and toddler. For months I would wake up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack thinking of a vacation that hadn't even happened yet and at this time wasn't for months. Once we book the plane tickets and I knew for sure this was going to happen I woke up at least 4 out of 7 nights a week with anxiety. It was so bad I finally had to start researching people who had been to Disney that were introverts and also who dealt with anxiety. A few suggestions were to figure out what is the cause of anxiety. I knew exactly what was causing it for me. I had several the expense, the people, were going on the week of the 4th of July and the unknown. We had been saving for Disney but finances have always given me anxiety so that kind of stress I've been able to manage. It was the people and the unknown that was driving me completely bonkers. I had had several conversations with my husband about Disney but he's an extrovert his view of a place and my view of the same place are two TOTALLY DIFFERENT views. I read and read about people who had anxiety and/ or introverts who went to Disney and still enjoyed themselves. I reached out to a former co-worker who goes to Disney every year and is also an introvert so surely this couldn't be as bad as I have been imaging. I got reassurance after reassurance from people I knew LOVED Disney, from people who understand from my view, and from strangers off the internet. I STILL was having anxiety! A week before the trip, I had to wake my husband up because I just knew anxiety about this trip was going to kill me! He even suggested that we just cancel because he couldn't bare seeing me like this anymore. I couldn't do that to my kids they were so excited about it. The night before the trip I didn't sleep (I am a sleeper) our flight was at 6 am so I kept myself busy with packing and preparing. I researched more and more. I was going to conquer this anxiety about Disney World once and for all. I was going to be positive and everything was going to be ok. The first day we were going to hang out with the family since we had all flew in from different places, and Disney was the next day. This plan was great because my anxiety from traveling with my family of 6 plus my parents would have subsided. Here I was on July 2, 2019, rolling into the gates of the world-famous Disney World my heart was pounding. The family had decided that we would go to Disney's Animal Kingdom because most of the kids were teens plus everyone else had been before except me. The family thought it would be a good place for everyone. I agreed because hell I didn't care it was all going to stress me out. So as we walk up to the tree of Life all I can think is I can do this... I can do this... I can.... whhhhyyyyyyyy are there so mannnnyyyyyyy PEOPLE!!!!! OMGosh and it was only downhill from there. I was negative Nancy the rest of the time. We had decided to stay in the group well, most of us, we linked fast pass times but it was an awful experience for me. While my preteens and husband rode the dinosaur Mayson was upset he didn't get to go because he was too little. He fell out on the hot ground all while I am trying to breastfeed the baby. So here I am boob out trying not to be the black mama that yells get your ass up off this hot ass ground hanging on to the baby trying not to pull an arm off of Mayson. Honestly, I just wanted to have a tantrum myself. Literally I have crocodile tears forming when this lady comes over asking did I needed help while I truly appreciated the offer there wasn't much she would've been able to do plus I was scared if I handed her the baby she may have ran off with her and I didn't have the energy to tackle anybody. This was a fast pass ride so it didn't take the others long to come back laughing talking about how much fun they just had I will let you use your imagination on how I felt. This wasn't the last time I was left with a baby and toddler while everyone else stood in line. My initial thought was to stay in dino land because it had more things for Mayson to do and just meet the others around fast pass time, but I was trying to stay with the group so I didn't listen to my first mind ( I do this often and often regret it). We had split up from the group at that point so they had stopped to eat pizza. Normally I'm a team player but because of everything that just happened I am pissed that we didn't take a group vote and I had had pizza 3 times the week before and I was so OVER pizza. I didn't eat. Now hangry and on the verge of dehydration because it was so hot there wasn't enough water in the world. I am completely over this place and do not care who hears. We waited an hour and a half for the others to ride Aviator. My husband waited with me I think because he realized I was miserable and maybe for the first time understood why I was dreading this so much. Luckily another mom and child were waiting for a family member to get off of aviator and Mayson played with her daughter. We went to eat because now its been hours since the others had pizza and I still hadn't eaten and was getting light-headed. I rode nothing that day. If I could change anything about that day I would have split up from the group and stayed in dino land for Mayson. I would have allowed my older children to stay with the group and did my own thing. I would've left Disney and came back later given myself a people break. I didn't know that was an option though. At the end of the day I am so exhausted not heat exhausted people exhausted I am almost in tears again and we met up with other family members who had left and come back our cousin asked me how was my day? I just shook my head not good and she asked me to tell her two good things that happen today and it made me smile. She knows I suffer from anxiety and it changed my perspective at that moment. It made me think of something good instead of all the awful feelings I had felt that day. It made me have gratitude. I am so thankful for her. Some times in the middle of an anxiety whirlwind we just need to have someone remind us that something good happened today. Hold on to those moments. Often the bad things only happen for a moment but stay with us and the good things get lost. In everything have gratitude.

DQue