Suicide

****** TRIGGER WARNING THIS BLOG IS ABOUT SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION********

This one has been in my heart for a while now, so I am finally going to release it. I don't think we talk enough about suicide. We do talk about it more than it was discussed in the past, but still, it is not enough. Every time I hear that someone commits suicide I feel sick to my stomach, and I almost become obsessed with the person. I need to know as much about them as possible. I need to look at their pictures to see if I can see the dark, emptiness inside their eyes. I need to know whether they were mostly a happy person or a person that openly fought with depression. I need to know how many qualities we share. Are our personalities similar? Do they have children? Did they have a spouse? A parent still living? A sibling? A best friend? A circle that they could trust with this dark secret? How they did it? I need to know as much as possible. I need to know how they lost the fight. See, when you struggle with depression or have suicidal thoughts some days are literal fights. Every day can be a fight. Every day that you live to fight again is a win even when it doesn't feel like it. When the sadness or emptiness takes over I consider it a loss. A loss for those of us who suffer from this ugly disease. I always wonder when we lose one of us will I eventually get to a point when I too can no longer handle the pain? To see me openly talking about my struggle is for others who may suffer so they know they are not alone, but a huge part of it is for me. It keeps me accountable. It helps when people know, and they may see me quieter than normal, maybe she's having a bad day, and just the smallest hug or for someone to ask you ok can make a difference and helps me feel seen. I have been in a room full of people, and have felt so alone so these little gestures can be very helpful. I also have a team full of people that I can call on on my worst days. I speak openly about my depression with my doctor and my therapist. I utilize a lot of the tools they have supplied me with. I also think about my children. My children need me. I take parenting seriously, and no one is going to treat my kids like I treat my kids. My daughter especially keeps me going because, for some crazy reason, I am her hero. The girl LOVES her Daddy and she often will bypass me for him, but when it comes to a friend and tenderness my girl needs her mama. My sons are two totally different personalities. I think about them without me. Myles is 12 and most of his life has been spent by my side doing silly dances and singing songs even though I am the one who can't sing. Would he lose his joy? As we approach the teenage years he needs me so we can sit and make jokes and laugh about fights at school. He needs my encouragement when things don't go the way he wants. My Mayson is such a sweetheart. He's my cuddle buddy. When he's sick we lay on the couch under a blanket, and we cuddle while he either watches his tablet or the tv. We often read together, and talk about his Avenger obsession. My husband is my best friend. He is the best person I have ever met. I don't think he would ever recover or forgive me. Who would ever make him laugh like I do? Who would ever send him sweet messages, tell him how amazing he is, send him 200 Instagram posts to his DM in 5 mins, quote Little Rascals with him daily or even send a random text about the most random shit that comes across your mind? I am sure there is someone, but none of them would be me. My point of this is that life is hard, but when you battle depression life physically hurts. Even if a person appears to be happy all the time, or the life of the party. I have found that sometimes those are the ones we must check on the most. Depression can be so different for people. Anyhow, in the same way, my kids, my husband, my dad, my mom, my brother, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and my friends are blessed with that special thing because they have me in their lives, your circle needs something from you. If you suffer from suicidal thoughts please have one person you can share your darkest moments, and feel safe. More importantly, there are so many resources. Starting with the suicide prevention hotline 988 you can call or text. They also have a website with a chat available. Please stop letting suicide win. We got this. There is so much in life to live for, and this is just a small piece of my journey but you are not alone even if our pain is different.

One Love,

DQue

Below are a few of the tips and tools I use when I am having bad days,

Schedule a therapy appointment

Practice Gratitude 3 things that I am grateful for that happened that day no matter how big or small

Exercise for at least 30 mins

Mediate

Listen to uplifting music with a great beat

Talk to my loved ones

Your eating habits can affect your mood when I know I am having an episode I limit my sugar intake