Self Worth

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If someone told me that I had a low self-esteem

problem I would have laughed. Who me? Actually, when my therapist said this I was a little offended. I know I am pretty. I may not be the prettiest thing on the block, but I am not ugly. Are you kidding me? Have you met my Aunties? My aunties are the best hype women one would need, and they don't lack confidence therefore their nieces don't either. The key is that my therapist never said anything about low self- esteem she said self- worth. Dr. Christina Hibbert describes the difference between the two, " Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing “I am greater than all of those things”. It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth." (www.DrChristinaHibbert.com)

In the last session with my therapist, we talked about low self-worth. The question posed, " What is it about you that wants to belittle you?" I realized that my low self-worth had absolutely nothing to do with my appearance. It had to do with everything else. I settle in just about every aspect of my life. I put everyone else's needs before my own, and have done so way before I ever had a husband or children. I honestly can not pinpoint when it started. I have tried several times to recall why I did or when I started this, but I haven't been able to. I can only remember me doing this for as long as I can remember. I remember in middle school I was beating myself up over tumbling for a competition. My coach had told me several times I could do it by myself, but I didn't believe in myself enough to do it. This went on all through college. Imagine having the physical ability to do something, but your mental capacity won't let you. Do you know where I could've cheered at in college had I just done what my mind wouldn't let me believe I could? Now, let me just say I have no regrets I have made so many long-lasting loving relationships from TSU that I wouldn't dare replace. I mean I did meet my husband there through cheering but imagine had I let myself be free. I would've still met Myon because the cheer circle is so small we would've still crossed paths.

When Myon and I moved from apartment living to home living I would wake up in a panic in the morning because I didn't want the people in the neighborhood to think we were late risers, so I needed to turn off the porch light. I laugh at it now, but it was a real concern for me in the beginning. Imagine waking up as soon as the sun rises and running downstairs because of the neighbors. Like really? You don't want the neighbors to know you slept until 9 am because you aren't a morning person. Myon had no idea I was doing this by the way. Honestly, I don't even know if the neighbors can see our light unless driving by, and even then they would have to be looking for it. Today our light was on until 5 pm btw. I have set up all these damn rules for myself that I was making myself sick. I created this standard that I must follow, and it was causing me to slack in so many other areas of my life. I must be perfect at all times. I must be the perfect wife. I must be the perfect mother. I must be the perfect friend. I must be the perfect coworker even though I don't really like them. I must be the perfect daughter. I must be the perfect sister and sister in law. I must be the perfect daughter in law or at least they need to like me. I must. I must. I must. Imagine trying to show up and be perfect for EVERYBODY else, but me. Also, in trying to be perfect for everybody else I losing at damn near everything. I lost good friends. Honestly, I wasn't a good wife. I was not the mother I should've been. I was losing, and I knew it. That is where anxiety started spinning out of control. I was cool trying to be perfect for everybody when it was just me I managed. Then we got married and had Myles things slowly started to unravel. Then I had the miscarriage unraveled more. Then we had Mayson unraveled more. My Uncle died unraveled more. Now I am unexpectantly pregnant with Melody and now I am spinning completely out of control. Melody comes and all the string that has unraveled I have now beginning to hang myself. How am I supposed to take care of a family of six, and be perfect for everyone else? Remember as soon as Myon and I got married I instantly became a mother to our daughter Mckenzy. A stepmom, but still a mom. There is no freaking way you can show up and be perfect for everybody, but you. You will end up like I did with suicidal thoughts, and anxiety you can't manage. Even my single followers you still need to put you first. Even single I put everyone else before me.

My homework assignment is to write a love letter to myself. I really don't even know what I like about myself or what I like to do anymore. It is going to take some time, but I will get there. I am trusting the process and enjoying the journey. Will you please continue to journey with me? Let me know in the comments if you have struggled in this area. I love you alls feedback!

God Bless,

DQue