Identity Crisis

If you have ever watched "The Hate You Give," you might remember the character Starr. If you haven't seen it, Starr Carter is having an identity crisis because she grew up in the hood, but her parents had her enrolled in a mostly white private school. See Starr was "black" black, but when she got to school, she had to mute her blackness to fit in with anyone at school. She even states that she felt like two different people. I can relate to Starr in so many ways. During my freshman and sophomore year of high school, I went to a private school where I was the only black girl in both the middle and high school. I also cheered on an all-white all-star cheerleading team. At this point in my life, I didn't really interact with many blacks other than my family members. I felt so lost. I was still grooming who I was, so when people made comments about my hair or that I should date the only black guy in the school who I was not attracted to at all, I felt awkward. I found myself hanging out with the outcast because I felt more at home there than anywhere else. At cheer practice, I was a little more comfortable but not really because I was still the only black girl, but these kids felt a tad bit more relatable, but never comfortable. I was not the black sheep (no pun intended) but I wasn't the popular kid either. In my junior year, I had convinced my mom to let me go to a school where some of my cheer friends went it was a little more diverse than private school, but now I had no idea whom I should hang out with. The white girls I cheered with or the black people. Now don't get me wrong the white girls I cheered with interacted with the black people just not all of the time. So at times, I felt stuck. I didn't quite fit in with the white girls all of the time, and at this point, I hadn't hung out with black kids enough to really fit in there either. I remember one time I went to spend the night at one of my white friend's houses, it was a couple of us, and she snuck out to see her boyfriend. Of course, she got caught and lied to her mom, and said we left, so she could go get me some pads because I was on my period. I was not on my period, and her mom asked to see my dirty pad. I often wonder if I was white would she ask such a humiliating thing? They made me put ketchup in a pad, and show her. Of course, she didn't buy it. My friends were cool, but I always felt tension with their parents. Uneasy. A different friend's mom allowed me to go to six flags with them, and my parents had sent money with me. When we got to the window I was prepared to pay for my ticket and she says I am going to pay for your ticket but you have to pay me back in a very condensing tone. I whipped out that money so fast and give it to her at the window. My mom always taught me I am nobody's charity case. Plus my family wasn't poor, but we were rolling in the dough either, but before they allowed anyone to pay for me I would've stayed home. My mom doesn't play that. I am sure her mom did not like me she would always make little comments she thought I was too stupid to catch, but I caught them. I never went back to either of those two young ladies' homes after that. Shortly, after that, I convinced my mom to allow me to go to the black school that was so much closer to my home. Finally, I am with people that looked like me the majority of the time. I am finally going to fit in somewhere. NOPE!! I talked like a white girl, I dressed like a white girl (Doc Martins and the belt with the bottle caps), and the little black I had often left me questioning is this black enough!? Often times it wasn't. I never ate lunch because I was starving myself to lose weight for cheer, but also I just didn't want to be seen. I sat down at a table as fast as I could. I felt soooooooo out of place. By now I am a senior I should be figuring out who I am, but now I am so much more confused. At this point, my all-star cheer team had more black people on it. I am sure my high school years is when I developed anxiety and becoming a people pleasurer. I have always wanted everyone to like me, and when they didn't it bothered me. I choose an HBCU for college for hopes of finding more of my blackness. I often felt out of place here too, but for the most part, I developed the me that I am today. I have found a balance. I am not pretending to fit in one side more than another. Truth is I am a black woman that has had a lot of experience with white people. All of these made me who I am today. I talk proper, but I can say chiiilllleeee like the best of them. My playlist consists of many different genres and lyrics. Mostly these days you'll catch me listening to some Andy Mineo or gospel music, but don't get it twisted on June 27th I am playing some Screw. I also have lots of random country days. I love cowgirl boots. My mom is from Northern California, and we literally sound like the same person. My voice is my voice I don't put on for anyone. I am learning to love me for just who I am. I can be awkward, silly, fun, and I can fit in almost anywhere. I am no longer in an identity crisis. D'Que