I Am Not Okay

I think I’ve reached my quarantine breaking point today, Tuesday, June 2nd. Although the world is opening back up, we have chosen not to; just yet. I am tired. I am tired of being overweight. I am tired and utterly exhausted from trying to explain why black lives matter to people who honestly I don’t think they want to get it. I am tired of going to bed at 4 am and waking up at 8 am with an energetic toddler who is always on 10. I am tired of my two youngest ones fighting over space in a cabinet that should be holding my tuberware, but I remove it because they kept pulling it out and using the cabinet as a hideaway. I’m tired of them using my pots, pan, cups, fork, spoons, and dish towels for play toys when they have toys galore. I am tired of giving my 9-year-old extra screen time because there’s really nothing else for him to do at this point. We’ve read every book we owned two or three times. We’ve rented audiobooks from the library. We’ve played basketball. I’m tired of Walmart closing at 5 pm like really how do you go from being open 24 hours to closing at 8 pm to now closing at 5 pm. Bruh. I’m tired of lines at Target being super long. I’m tired of the grocery store being packed during the day. I am sick and tired of group messages. I am tired of people replying to group messages when the sender clearly states do not reply here send me a separate message. I’m tired of drinking water. I’m tired of not having mom night out. I AM TIRED OF SWEEPING AND MOPPING THE FLOOR! I’m tired of breathing in these masks and my glasses getting foggy.

I am enjoying having real conversations with my white friends and some white people I don’t

even know. I am enjoying staying up late enjoying the quiet in my house. I am enjoying catching up with old friends because I have the time and so do they. I am enjoying all the funny memes people send to my inbox! I am enjoying seeing which companies are sharing black lives matter. I am enjoying conversations with my husband about any and everything. I am enjoying virtual therapy sessions. I’m enjoying laughing at my kids when they are doing something utterly ridiculous. I do realize that I have no right to be tired of anything. I’m so blessed. Although we’ve lost people, some of our good friends have been sick, or family members have been sick neither my husband nor I have missed one paycheck. Not one bill has been missed. I don’t have the right to be tired. I need to soak up all of this. Enjoy it, but as a black woman, I have every right to be tired. Tired of the injustice and the disregard for the color of my skin. Guys, I am tired but blessed and hopeful.