From Perfection to Surrender

Hey, friends welcome back! At some point in my life, I created this ideal version of myself. And as my life changed I kept altering this version of myself. Every version of myself must be perfect in my eyes, and everyone's eyes that could see me. I am not sure if this came from the fact that I changed schools so many times in my life. I am not sure but I created this persona knowing that it is impossible to achieve. Honestly, I think I just like a good challenge. When I don't fit the criteria of my idea of perfection then I start to beat myself up even more. Since we know that perfection is not possible then I would beat myself up a lot. Over these past few years of my healing journey, I have tried really hard to not be a people pleaser to everyone, and when I catch myself trying to please everyone you guessed it; I would beat myself up some more. On my way home the other day I was just talking to God out loud in my car. I just simply told him I am tired of always trying of being perfect. It is exhausting. So here I am writing this blog about trying to be perfect, and how it is exhausting. Everything I do I literally try to do it to perfection. Is this terrible? Probably not, but once I don't reach perfection then the aftermath is unhealthy. Everything you do you should do with pride, but not to the point that you know your goal is unreachable. Perfection is not a thing. All I can do every day is try my best, and if my best isn't good enough then I will work to get better. So today and every day after I choose to surrender. Surrendering is not easy for me, and honestly, it is something I have to learn how to do. Surrendering is going to have to require a commitment to be ok with rejection. I am learning how to accept that every outcome doesn't have to be exactly how I planned it. Last night was the first time I told my husband about the difficulties I faced in high school, and how moving affected me. We've been together for 13 years and I never talked about these things because they were surrounded by pain, and I felt like if I shared it I had to relive it. However, releasing this pain allowed him to understand why I am the type of friend I am to the people closest to me, and why certain things trigger me. Myon's biggest thing is he needs to know why in order to understand. I wasn't giving the why because it was painful, but now both of us can be better spouses to each other from me just sharing. I surrendered at that moment so he can understand, and also for me to begin to heal those hurts that I just buried. If the hurt is buried you can not heal and it just leaves you heavy. Heavy with perfection, worry, doubt, fear, low self-esteem, and pain. Friends, if you don't get anything else from my story today, get that it's okay to not be perfect. Whatever perfect little scenario that you have come up with in your head. It is okay and truly begin to surrender. Once you release I guarantee God, the universe, or whatever you believe or don't believe in will start to show you things that you were unable to see before because you were blinded by perfection.

One Love,

D'Que