Breastfeeding the good, the bad, and the clinically insane

First, let me start by saying I have breastfed 3 babies and I believe in it 100 percent. I enjoyed the bonding time with my little ones but my experience has been very stressful all three times. All three times I was left exhausted at the finish.

With my oldest son I stayed home, so the need to pump was far and few in between. However, he hardly ever got a bottle so that meant I was the only one feeding him. I was the first person in my family, that I know of, that breastfed and I knew nothing about it. I had to figure a lot of things out on my own. Our breastfeeding relationship ended because he bit me and broke the skin. After that, we were finished. This was just shy of one year so he never had an ounce of formula.

I was working full time and was overwhelmed with stress with Mayson!!! We made it to 6 months exclusively breastfeeding and I just couldn't anymore. I would go to work crying and come home crying because I could only pump once a day, and he ate a lot. Slowly but surely my milk supply dropped. I took every supplement under the sun. I drank and ate my weight in breastfeeding shakes and lactation cookies. I felt so guilty for not producing enough to be able to provide for him. My husband finally just said it is ok he can get formula, he won't die. So we went out and got formula and he drank it with no problem. Oddly, I felt no relief, I felt terrible. He had his first poop and it was no longer yellow. It was brown and I had a meltdown. How could I do this to him? How could I be so irresponsible and let this formula mess up his insides? I know it sounds crazy, but this is how I felt. Then came the night that my husband got up, fed him a bottle of formula and I actually slept all night. Slowly that guilt started to melt away and I got more and more peace. Finally, I got to see him happy and full which meant the world to me.

Now here I am, third baby breastfeeding, and I am home but not really. I work from home, I homeschool my 9-year-old, and I run this blog. So breastfeeding has its challenges this time as well. Then add the fact that my daughter did not take a bottle until she was 8 months. She would only drink milk from a syringe and me. I learned from Mayson so I started pumping early. I feed her as much as possible and milk supply was great. Then one day I woke up and could only pump 3 ounces. WTF? How could this happen? Again, around 6 months. Then she wasn't gaining any weight. She was stuck at 13 lbs and guilt sat in. How can you not be producing enough milk? You are at home for god sake! Here I go fenugreek, milk thistle, brewer's yeast, mother's milk, and lactation brownies. The only difference between Mayson and Melody is that Mayson didn't care what milk we gave him, he just wanted milk. Melody, on the other hand, wanted breastmilk or nothing. What's a momma to do? Well, we finally got her to drink a bottle! I had a friend that was pumping milk like a boss so I purchased milk from her and started to stack a decent stockpile. We then got persistent with this formula thing and I worked hard with her daycare teacher on feeding her the right formula. Today Melody is drinking formula with no fuss but it took MONTHS!! I still breastfeed when we are together and I believe it truly just a comfort thing for her and I still love our bonding moments. I would love to breastfeed as long as she would want, but I am to the point where I am just exhausted from trying to keep a decent supply because again my supply has dropped. I am committed to not letting this drive me to a meltdown. She turns one tomorrow, and if I left it up to her we would not be stopping anytime soon. If I am still able to breastfeed after her birthday, great! If not, it was a hell of a great run! I did a fabulous job! I am proud of myself, and that is all that matters! Find what works for you, what you can live with and make that work. Sometimes those plans change but as long as your child is fed you're doing a damn good job.