Birthday Thoughts

Today 37 years ago at 10:37 am I was born breach. This should've been a symbol that I would always choose to do stuff a little backward. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum, but I usually try to play a beat that pleases everyone. Yesterday I was drowned in so much sorrow, and I couldn't figure out why. I had the nerve yall to be feeling down on myself because I was trying 37 and hadn't accomplished any of the goals I have set for myself. The audacity of me! When I say I was sad yall I sat on my bathroom floor yesterday and cried. I had a real pity party. I let anxiety run its course and just let the grief swallow me. Today I still didn't feel like celebrating myself, but I got up I turned on my rachet birthday playlist looked in the mirror, and said no ma'am. I would love to say from that moment on I was better, but I wasn't. I couldn't shake the sadness on the way to work this morning I just continue to slowly climb myself out of this depressive hole. Depression is hard you can know exactly what to do, and still feel stuck. That is exactly where I was this morning. I knew the feeling, and I have plenty of tools for these moments, but couldn't shake it. It is important to have friends that you can be really honest with where you are, and they can help guide you as much as possible. My friend sent me a funny encouraging Marco Polo, and we joked all day long about different things. Laughter truly is food for the soul. I popped in a positive podcast in my ears at work, and then the darkness and rain clouds faded away outside as the sun began to shine through. My mood also got better. It was like God sent the clouds to tell me just like the darkness fades away so does depression. You just have to know that the sun does shine again. It may not come actually when you want it to, but the sun always comes back.

At 37, I have decided that the rhythm of my beat is no longer defined by the people around me, but by the feeling in my soul. My soul and my well-being are my top priorities. I have always tried to be everything for everybody else and never showed up for myself. Then I get so angry with myself for not showing up for me or accomplishing what I need. I am tired. I can't be everything for everybody anymore. I have got to learn to protect my peace. I am still working on this, but I have gotten better. Will I get sad again? Yes, I will, but it's what I do to change the outcome of it. To keep doing the same thing over and over again is insanity. While I am a little backward I am definitely not insane. Let's do it differently.

One Love,

D'Que